Wednesday, May 13, 2009

The Fat Four

The beauty of fatasses is that they stem from all walks of life. With backgrounds in every race, sex, gender and orientation, fatasses comprise one of the most diverse sectors of human demographics. As in any categorical organization, within a group there exist multiple subgroups, and fatasses are no exception. I have developed a theory that will hitherto be referred to as The Fat Four.

What the theory of The Fat Four states is: “every member of Club Fatass falls into one of four subgroups which define their connection to fat society; these subgroups being binge eaters, stress eaters, bored eaters, and sleep eaters.” Although my theory is yet to make it into all the leading nutrition textbooks, its foundation and truth rings sound and pure. I will now define each subgroup for you so that you may recognize which you identify with most.

The Binge Eater
The largest of the four subgroups, the Binge Eaters are the most recognizable of all because they are the fattest. Binge Eaters possess a shameless way about them that more often than not surpasses any notion of concern about their outward appearance. Often caught crying in public for no apparent reason and smelling the inside of their take-out food bags even after the food has been consumed, Binge Eaters are the most emotionally complicated of The Fat Four. You may be familiar with cliché quotes that originated in the community such as “I eat because I’m unhappy” and “I’m unhappy because I eat.” While in itself Binge Eating Disorder and all that it encompasses as a legitimate psychiatric problem is not funny, watching one suffer from it is. You may have seen me in a dead sprint through a box of biscuits outside a KFC or you may be familiar with the MTV classic True Life: I Can’t Stop Eating. Both offer prime examples of Binge Eaters in action—striking near and dear to my heart because this is the community that I, and millions of other fatties on this planet, belong to.

The Stress Eater
The Stress Eater is most common among the businessperson and college (or AP) student demographic. Defined as the fatass who sublimates their stress with food, the Stress Eater uses food as a drug. The Stress Eater uses food for one purpose and one purpose only and that is to alleviate their stress. Stress Eaters are at high risk for addiction to eating because without it, their life is chaos. They cannot get through an essay, a business proposition or a conference call without a Whopper, pint of Ben & Jerry’s Cherry Garcia, a large pizza or all of the above. While the Stress Eaters do not eat as much as Binge Eaters, their issues are still critical. But hey, at least they’re working.

The Bored Eater
Also referred to as losers, Bored Eaters have nothing better to do than eat. They eat recreationally. Arguably the most pitiful of The Fat Four, Bored Eaters often procrastinate doing things like getting a job or feeding their child by cuddling up with a bucket of chicken wings and watching Divorce Court. Their eyes tend to glaze over as their minds wander in carefree ecstasy, stopping in the middle of household chores to enjoy a cookie found wedged between seat cushions. Bored Eaters’ most serious symptom is something I call “time lapse.” Time lapse is when an individual sits down with a box of Cheez-It Party Mix and before they know it, the entire box is empty. If you don’t even remember eating it, what’s the point?

The Sleep Eater
I first discovered the magic of Sleep Eating on Halloween of 2007 when I woke up in the back of my car in a sea of candy wrappers still chewing on a Tootsie Roll. I had apparently blacked out in my Toyota 4Runner, still in my Peter Pan outfit mind you, and plowed through my candy—which btw, I have NO recollection of acquiring. Months later, I was on the ellipticals at the gym watching Tyra and low and behold, the episode was all about Sleep Eating! Tyra went on to explain how sleep eating is characterized by sleepwalking and excessive nocturnal overeating… love it, right? So its basically people who eat in their sleep. How ‘bout that! Some people just cannot get enough food during their hours awake so they continue to munch in their sleep. Again the scary thing with Sleep Eaters, much like time lapse with Bored Eaters, they are not consciously aware of the fact that they are eating. And I think that it is more than safe to say that if you are eating and you don’t even know it, you’re a fatass.

So that’s The Fat Four, ladies and gentlemen. I’ll be interested to hear from you all about which subgroup you identify with. For most of us fatties, we hop around from one subgroup to the other. A little fatass twist on the game of hopscotch, if you will. If you’re like me, you may identify strongly with one of them as your Primary Fatass Subgroup Association and experience sporadic episodes displaying characteristic symptoms of the others. If you’re different, more power to you. That’s the great thing about being a fatass; there are no rules. You do whatever the hell you want and you eat whatever you want. So long as you’re at least 600 pounds and you can’t see your feet, you’re in the club.

These are the Confessions of a Fat Bitch.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Eater's Remorse

How appropriate is it that I introduce Eater’s Remorse to you just after eating three large rice crispy treats in a matter of seconds?

Allow me to present to you… Eater’s Remorse. A disease, nay, a LIFESTYLE that has defined me since the dawn of my conception, Eater’s Remorse is best described as “the empty, shameful feeling one experiences after stress eating, compulsive eating, and or binging.” Sometimes accompanied by flashbacks to previous incidences, which can occur years after the episode, Eater’s Remorse has no mercy to its beholder. It will ravage any fatass it chooses to possess and will never stop.

Do you think you may be a chronic sufferer of Eater’s Remorse? Allow me to enlighten you with an anecdote from my personal life:

It was July 23rd, 2008. McDonalds on Pacific Coast Highway in Newport Beach (might I add the best McDonalds I have ever set foot in—plasma screen televisions and incomparable chicken nuggets). It was sometime around 10 PM: prime fatass cruising hour, ALL the drive-thrus are jammed. I drove through McDonalds, shamelessly rambled off my multi-thousand calorie regular order without so much as batting an eyelash: the two cheeseburger meal, large fries, coke, ten piece chicken nuggets and four barbeque sauces (Note to McDonalds employees: DO NOT fuck up on the barbeque sauce count because it has the ability to make or break the order and therefore the entire experience altogether.) I then plow through the two bags it takes to pack my collosal order and, as I make my way through the second cheeseburger, it begins to dawn on me… I just consumed nearly half of my body weight in a high calorie/trans-fat/cholesterol binge… and I forgot to order a McFlurry.

This is a situation you may recognize to be strikingly similar to one of your own. Whether it be Del Taco, Burger King, In N Out, Taco Bell, Jack in the Box or WingStop—Eater’s Remorse attacks suddenly and without warning. However, long time sufferers of Eater’s Remorse become all too familiar with the symptoms and even anticipate the attack before they even start eating. These foreshadowing pains of guilt sometimes, but not always, inspire the fatass to make better choices.

But you know, sometimes its absolutely necessary to hit rock bottom to really help you see that you have a problem. And if I define my rock bottom as sitting alone in my car in the McDonalds parking lot in the middle of the night crying and smoking a post-binge cigarette—I have had too many rock bottom experiences to count. I recognize that I have a problem. And THIS ladies and gentlemen, THIS is the irreconcilable evil that is Eater’s Remorse. The addiction to food and the unconditional comfort it brings.

These are the Confessions of a Fat Bitch.