Monday, November 30, 2009

Happy Holidays, Pt. 1: All About Eating

Ohh, the holidays. It really is the most wonderful time of the year. Peace and happiness to one and all. Especially for the fatasses! I mean, let’s be real, the holiday season is ALL. ABOUT. EATING.

First, Thanksgiving: an entire holiday devoted solely to binge eating. What could be more wholesome or natural? For weeks, gluttony wreaks mass hysteria in every supermarket across America. Fatties rampage down the aisles, fighting for turkey, gravy, stuffing, chicken, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, ham (honey-glazed, please), CORN, bread rolls, pumpkin pies, pecan pies, apple pies, every kind of pie, BUTTER, I mean helloooo the list goes on forever. [Note: Be sure to whip out the heavy-duty plastic because those plates are going to be under some serious pressure.] Thanksgiving is a prolonged period of situational insanity, a feeding frenzy that starts to wear off just in time for Christmas.

Let’s take a closer look at Christmas, shall we? Gingerbread houses, candy canes, chocolate Santas, those Lifesaver storybook things, chestnuts roasting on an open fire, Christmas cookies (including but not limited to snickerdoodles, chocolate chips, oatmeal raisins, peanut butters, Mexican wedding cakes, double-chocolate chips, Double Stuf oreos), cakes, candies, pumpkin pies, pecan pies, apple pies, every kind of pie, brownies, hot chocolate, peppermint mochas, peppermint bark, and whatever else your huge fucking ass desires.

‘Tis a glorious season, is it not? There’s a good reason people start wearing sweaters and baggy sweatshirts around the holidays and, ladies and gentlemen, I’ll be the first to tell you… it’s not because we’re cold. It’s because we’re fat bitches.

These are the Confessions of a Fat Bitch.