Tuesday, August 24, 2010

The Nature of the Fat Bitch

Fatasses have never failed to surprise me. On a daily basis, I am constantly reassessing my beliefs and perceptions regarding fat culture and the fat world because, as one fatass has consistently proven to me, the nature of the fat bitch cannot be controlled or contained—he transcends natural law. Who is that fatass you ask? Me.

There is no doubt about it that nature works in mysterious ways, however there are certain rules, biological processes and natural phenomena that govern human behavior and thought. To a certain extent there is logic and order. However, when a fatass consumes so much to the point of puking, only to hit up Arby’s for a steak sandwich minutes later… where is the logic in that? When a giant whale of a bitch falls over and can’t get up without the help of a random bystander yet continues to order the Double Cheeseburger Meal every day for lunch… where is the logic in that? For fatties, there is no order; we don’t abide by any rules. We do what we want. We are above the law.

Particular to college students—stress is a condition that plagues millions and drives them to seek peace in the comforts food brings. During this past finals week I ate an inordinate amount of food and exhibited gluttony beyond description. The longest grocery list ever written would pale in comparison to the list of goods that I forced down my throat as an alternative to studying. I brought a whole new meaning to the phrase “cramming before finals.”

Now if there’s one thing I learned from watching Kirstie Alley’s Fat Actress, it is that nothing—and I mean NOTHING—can get in the way of a fatass that has abandoned their dignity. So if you’re smart, when you see a sad fatty crying on a park bench alone with a cheesecake, you’ll know not to get involved. Nothing comes between a fat predator and its prey.

These are the Confessions of a Fat Bitch.

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