Monday, August 10, 2009

Cravings

The cravings of a fatass defy all logic and science. A sudden and inexplicable lust for food is a terrifying phenomenon that strikes hard and without warning, similar to natural disasters. Like a natural disaster, onlookers are shocked by the horrific display of the fatass “in the zone” and the damages done could potentially take years to recover from. Unlike a natural disaster, these cravings are not natural in any way, shape, or form and witnesses’ employers cannot write off therapist sessions administering treatment for post-traumatic stress disorder.

Luckily for world peace, my episode occurred around 3:30 AM Pacific Standard Time, so there wasn't anyone watching me (except maybe Jesus) and there were not any cars on 17th Street for me to worry about as I cruised, both hands off the wheel, dressing my Del Taco chicken soft taco with multiple packets of hot sauce. As I maneuvered my way through a left turn at a stoplight using my knees for steering whilst simultaneously placing my large cherry Coke back in its cupholder with one hand and shoveling the rest of the taco down my throat with the other hand, I thought to myself… I’m getting too good at this.

But hey, in a world with McDonald’s Free Mocha Mondays, Wendy’s door-hanger buy one get one free Frosty coupons, and a new Yogurtland right down the street from my house, what is too good these days anyway?

These are the Confessions of a Fat Bitch.

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